The Un-me

“You’re back,” he says with a smile and a gentle hug. I know exactly what that means: I just started to remember myself again.

My husband tells me of times when I have no idea who I am, where I am, or what I’m doing. I don’t remember him or my family or even my name—I know nothing. If I get a text in the middle of an occurrence, he has to take my phone away so I don’t send any messages which could prove confusing or embarrassing later. It happens as often as I feel overwhelming panic. Everyday stress doesn’t get to me; I “have to be pretty worked up for it to happen,” so he says. Such situations as really crowded or loud places set me off.

By this point, Jordan says those occasions are no longer scary or stressful because he has dealt with them a number of times and knows now how to control the situation to make it all work out well in the end. It all depends on if there is somewhere to sit. There are warning signs that he can catch onto which make him decide to try to find a place to sit down before things get out of hand. He finds that un-me is easier to talk to when we’re sitting down: she doesn’t try to run away.2017-01-01_23.11.47

In the fifteen- to thirty- minute episodes, Jordan puts our cheesy selfies to use trying to remind me who he is, who our baby is. He gains my trust as he tells himself to stay calm and tries to understand what he can do to help me stay calm myself.20170106_190010

I’m rarely allowed to go anywhere without my husband by my side. There is little worry if he is with me because he knows he can keep me safe until I recover. Events as small as going on a ride by myself at Disneyland while he watches the baby are dangerous for me because large crowds and loud noises can trigger an amnesic episode.

This just means, though, that I can spend more time with my husband because he has to do all the mundane things with me. He has to be with me in line at Disneyland. Or when I want to go to JoAnn to buy fabric for a new sewing project, he has to come with me, and he helps me choose my fabric.